The International Program seminar was one of those moments... the redeeming ones. The lights dimmed. My heart started to flutter as images of France and Africa and Switzerland and Fiji flew across the screen. Then El Camino de Santiago slid discreetly through the room, its presence like a favorite ornament on the Christmas tree only noticed by those who deem it the favorite. It screamed in my ears, but it was beautiful because it sang to my heart.
I am choosing to trek El Camino de Santiago because I know I am supposed to. I don't expect everyone to understand, but I know that my life has been directed to this pinnacle point by a force bigger than I. The Camino de Santiago is a 500-mile trek averaging 20 miles per day. Applying was an act of faith and a belief in the hope God promises. It's different to read God's promises and actually believe they can happen than to stand back from yourself and watch them pilot your life.
I equate the name "The Way of Saint James" to my thoughts of the Camino. It gives me goosebumps every time I think about the name and the origin and history it seeps into whoever listens to its wizened story. El Camino de Santiago. The nine syllables rool off the tongue like hot honey.
A little over a year ago, I could barely get out of bed. I read through my diary from that time the other day. It's like the pages are lined with pain that can still knock the breath out of me when I read my own scratched writing. I didn't know if I would be able to finish high school, let alone start at a university. I finally went to a hormone specialist and was told that my adrenal glands had been burned out. Used up. They had crashed. There was no more adrenaline left in my body for me to function properly.
I started taking Hydrocortisone, a medication that gives support ot the adrenals and the natural adrenaline time to rebuild and to replenish itself. It's the reason I have been able to survive Pepperdine. It is a slow process. I have needed to eat healthy foods and listen to my body. I have had to be patient. It's been hard. This is why it was such an act of faith for me to apply for the Camino. My parents allowed me to apply, but with the understanding that they wouldn't let me go if I hadn't healed by June 11th. My circumstances told me no, but although it felt impossible, I felt a force beyond myself guiding my path For some reason, I knew I would go.
Why my adrenal glands failed, I could barely walk one mile around my neighborhood. I remember physically not being able to finish Gaviota Peak. Now I walk my neighborhood two or three times on my "off" days. I have hiked up Gaviota in 80 minutes with a weighted pack. I have done things physically that I could never have imagined doing even just a year ago. I am grateful for this in my life, because it has taught me how to rely on God's strength when things seem impossible.
I have lived Matthew 19:26, "But with God everything is possible." He has smiled at my "mustard seed faith" and cradled me in His arms. I am now only taking a quarter of a Hydrocortisone tablet every other day. I have my doctor's and parents' encouragement and blassing to trek the Camino. God has provided. THat's why I like to think of it as the Way of Saint James. I am following in the footsteps of the people that have loved God so dearly. I will be walking where people whose faith meant so much to them that they were willing to walk 500 miles to pursue it. I imagine each of their steps as a glimpse of what their hearts treasured so much. I want my steps to align with theirs. I want to give the love and grace I have been shown back to Him with every step of my life. That is why I am going. Although it is by faith alone that I am able to trek the Camino, I feel that my relationship with God is not as strong as I would like it to be. I need to put Him above everything else in my life.
This is the thing... I have absolutely no idea of what to expect. I don't know what it will be like. I don't know who I'll meet. I don't know what I'll experience. I don't know what I don't want to experience. I could say the standard things like that I don't want blisters, but honestly, I want to experience what God has for me on the trail whether it's good or bad by my standards because I know that His perspective is so much bigger than mine. I am nervous about all the unknowns. But I don't think there can be excitement without nervousness. I don't htink there can be growth without being uncomfortable. There can't be faith without unknowns. I am prepared that it might be one of the hardest things I have done, but I want it all. I want it to grow me closer to God, whatever it takes. I want to meet God in the midst of His creation. I want to let go of myself. I will know I have accomplished this when Christ is clearly the priority of my life. This isn't something that is stopping at the end of the Camino. I plan for the Camino to be the start of the rest of my life. At the end of the road, I don't want to be thinking about how I am different I don't want to be thinking about myself at all. I want to be thinking about Christ in me. I don't want to "take away" anything from this experience, but I want to leave everything on the Camino. I want to leave my pride and leave my self-absorption. I want to leave everything I am and replace it with the plans God has for my life, because I know that His plans are good, whatever they might be.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares The Lord, "plans to prosper you and not ot harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. THen you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
~ Jeremiah 29:11-13
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